loneliness

I’ve learnt something today. When we think  a friend doesn’t really care about us or doesn’t seem to always be there, we automatically believe that they don’t value the friendship. I’m sensitive and I tend to think that all my friends don’t care about me nor will I ever maintain a meaningful relationship with anyone.

But, what I’ve learnt today is that, just because aren’t there, doesn’t mean they don’t care  about or that you don’t matter. What if they don’t have the energy? What if they have their own problems to deal with and they don’t have to energy to look after you…yet?

Something that had always upset me was that most of the time no one is there for me. I’ve always thought that I had crap friends, but do I even have the right to say that? I wasn’t exactly the perfect friend either. I think this is the type of loneliness I need to accept.

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Youth

“Your daughter looks like she’ll be talented in the future.” A stranger told my dad at the beach. I was jumping over small waves and feeling like life was enjoyable and carefree. I don’t remember the exact age but I was quite young. Maybe five or six years old.

I wish to feel that again. I want to feel invincible, like the world can do no harm to me. That if I were to wake up tomorrow, all I have to worry about is how to spend the day enjoying my time.

The reason why I could never forget what that stranger said was because I believed him. I believed that he would be right and that the world is looking out for me. In a child’s eyes, adults were always right.

 

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Ephemeral

I came across the word ephemeral today and it fascinated me. I discovered the word during a conversation about relationships. Anyways that’s the word of the day for me.

Right now, I just feel like writing anything. I want to be distracted from the extreme loneliness I feel. The last time I felt like this was on New Year’s eve. I wanted to hang out with anyone. I craved interaction after my solitude. I initiated conversation with friends whom I felt comfortable talking to yet I still feel lonely.

 

I haven’t been to the art gallery in a while, I think I might go tomorrow. The last time I went, I checked out the Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera exhibition.  It was interesting. I went home and watched a documentary on Frida’s life.

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Well I didn’t really take any photos of Frida and Diego’s artwork. I was more focused on looking at the details than photographing.

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I’ll probably visit the exhibition again. I’m lured back by the power of Frida.

I’ll be honest, when I first discovered Frida Kahlo, I wasn’t into her. I guess I was jealous that she had many lovers, but I can understand why. She’s a fascinating woman. Diego on the other hand, I still don’t like. I’ve always been against men who cheat.

Ephemeral. I love how art isn’t ephemeral. They can last forever.

Identification

Rosemary (n.) Dew of the sea or an evergreen aromatic shrub of the mint family.

The name Rosemary doesn’t feel like it’s a name that belongs to me. It reminded me of the time when I first went to day care, and I was assigned a pigeon hole. Each pigeon hole has a sticker of a creature and the carer told me to pick a pigeon hole. I picked the one with the butterfly. I thought butterflies were cute and pretty. The carer told me to pick the koala instead because the butterfly one was already occupied. I had to accept it despite the fact that I hated it.

That’s how I feel about my name. I don’t like it but I have to accept it. Yeah I could change it but I’ve grown familiar to it.

My parents told me that they thought I would come out as a boy and the name they decided to give me was Alexander (I think that’s a nice name).

Surprise! It’s a girl! Just name her after the midwife. To my displeasure, but Alexandra would have been a better option.

The perks is there isn’t many girls name Rosemary and I get compliments on how beautiful the name is. Yes it is a beautiful name. It is also very feminine. My name does not match my personality. I do not look like a Rosemary. I’m not very feminine.

Introducing myself is a chore. It doesn’t roll off the tongue smoothly. When introducing myself, I break down the syllables. “Hi, my name is Rose-ma-ry.”

The only time I liked my  name was when my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend. “Rosemary, will you be my girlfriend?”. I liked how it sounded when he said it.

 

I don’t know how to end this post. Here’s a random picture I took in the Chinese garden.

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Chronicles

I don’t know why I bother attending lectures when I get nothing from it.

Last night, I thought about journals. I’ve always loved documenting aspects of my life down. When I turned 10 years old, I tried to count how many days I’ve lived. I would tally each day down in my notepad of miscellaneous stuff. My best friend (at the time) saw me stroke a tally and asked why was I doing it. She said it looked like I was dying and counting my days. I stopped doing it after that.

My diary writing days began soon after. When I read my old entries, it wasn’t all about me. It wasn’t who my crush was, it was about who had a crush on who. I guess I’ve always been an observer.

Blogging has always been a joy. I guess I want to leave a bit of myself in the world. It really does sound like I’m dying and counting my days…..

Anyways, last night I was thinking of having a journal for documenting quotes I like from famous people to people around me. I sometimes find what people say to be inspirational or beautiful yet it isn’t being documented down. Memories don’t last but documents can (if possible).

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Signing out, the observer.

 

 

Wonder

It was a Friday night and I felt adventurous. I was in a good mood for some aesthetic photographing. I’ve heard about Cockatoo Island for a while but never really got the chance to tour the place. Oh another note is, I always travel alone.

 This was my second time on a ferry. I’m quite impress with the camera quality of the Iphone 6s.

 

Originally, this post was suppose to just be about my trip at cockatoo island but there’s not much to talk about.

I’ve booked a driving lesson, which was scheduled for tomorrow. I’ve been on my learners for about two years now. It’s taking so long because I hate driving. If I were to be in a car accident and killed someone, I’ll never forgive myself and it’ll be a guilt that I have to live with. I feel like it’s time to seriously learn to drive. My friend has been telling me about her home life and it’s rather frustrating not being able to hop into my car and see her. I also feel bad that my boyfriend has to always drive to my place to see me. If I could drive, I could see him more.

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The herb

Hello,

My name’s Rosemary, hence herb. I guess I’ll start off explaining ‘Sonderherb’. Sonder isn’t a real word, but according to the dictionary of obscure sorrows, it means the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own. The word described perfectly a thought I had on a train ride.

It is also my instagram username which I “carefully” thought of. I use instagram as a platform to express my thoughts, life and bizarre happenings. I had a blog with the same name,  where I documented my  life and interests. I guess I chose to ditch it because it just felt messy. I made it when I was 14 years old and in a mind of a 14 year old girl, things don’t make sense.

I hope to post my interests, thoughts and adventures on wordpress as a documentation of my life as an adult.